...Glenn and I were sitting in a room listening to a "genetic counselor" tell us that our baby boy had Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus. It's funny how my perspective of that day has changed over the years. It's not that I can't remember how devastated I was, or how I cried so much that I truly had no tears left, or how I curled up on the couch telling God that there was no way I could do this. I remember all of that. I remember the doctor telling us that our baby boy might not survive and if he did, he would have no quality of life. I remember the doctor informing me that termination was an option but that I had to do it quickly because I was already 18 weeks pregnant. I remember walking out of the doctor's office and seeing a nurse playing "Solitaire" on her computer. I remember calling my mom and telling her about her first grandson. I remember the paralyzing fear I felt. The absolute despair. And while I remember all of that and the memory is vivid, I don't dwell on Tuesday, March 22, 2005 very often.
What I do dwell on is how blessed I am to have Caleb, and how I am a better person because of him. I dwell on the fact that he is smart, funny, loving, and absolutely the most handsome 6 1/2 year old on the planet. I dwell on the fact that I have found an amazing online community that has truly blessed me in ways that I can't even begin to express. These people are family to me. I dwell on the absolute peace that God has given me over the years. I dwell on today and try not to get consumed by the worries of tomorrow. I dwell on the fact that Caleb is so much more like every other 6 year old than he is different. I dwell on the joy of being his mom. It truly is a privilege.
I dwell on the silliness that is Caleb.
And I dwell on his killer dance moves.
This kid brings me joy. I wish I had only a glimpse of this joy when I was pregnant with him. If I had only known what God had in store, I wouldn't have been so scared. Spina Bifida isn't easy and it isn't always pretty. But as my dear friend Jill (Kingsley's mom) says: "It's not that bad".